Got a question...
 

Youtube has hit my kids' age groups... big time. It's almost like a version of FaceBook or something... and they're on it constantly.

So are my kids... and their accounts are set up such that I get copies of all messages and posts they receive.

We've had one round of discussions that "friends" means friends... people you actually know, or who actually know someone you actually know. Since these kids are in the 11-12 age range, that is an appropriate measure from my parental perspective.

Enough background... let me set the stage for the question.

While reviewing one wannabe friend, I discovered he's a kid in school, age 12, at most. I know his folks somewhat... not well, but we were in the same organization a couple of years ago. No problem... passes the "friends" distance test.

I also review these "friends'" pages, to see what friends *they* have. Can be enlightening... as it was this time.

Several of the comments posted by this boy on his own site were... inappropriate. Very juvenile, and sexually offensive.

I'm not prone to knee-jerk reactions, so I'm not going to say "Oh, you saw something bad there... okay, you can never look there again". In my mind, that's playing an ostrich. And contrary to some beliefs, my kids will eventually have to go out on their own into that great wild world.

Herein lies my dilemma.

If my kids posted something like that, I'd want to know so I could take advantage of the teaching moment it presents. What does this mean? Is it appropriate? Why or why not? What should we do about it? What *will* we do about it?

However, I don't know how this kid's parents feel. I suspect they're in the same boat... but I don't want my kids to end up marked as "the ones whose dad got Bobby into trouble". And let's face it... I tell his dad, his dad has a talk with Bobby, Bobby asks "How'd you find out?"... trouble in River City.

My wife asked the parent of another kid in this age group, and she suggested the military policy... don't ask, don't tell. Don't let the kids "friend" Bobby, and don't tell Bobby's parents. She's concerned about the confrontation when it's brought up.

That doesn't necessarily sit well with me, largely because I don't see it as a confrontation situation. I wouldn't tell the mom or dad how to parent their kid; that's their job. I'd just be letting them know I came across something that if they didn't know, I'd think they'd want to. What they do with and about it... that's their concern. Unless it crosses the line towards my kids, but that's a whole 'nother story, and much more clear-cut.

So... the poll. I wasn't going to poll when I started this, but it sounds like a good idea now.

What do you think? And more importantly, why?

Re: Got a question...
 

Tell the parents by phone if you feel it is necessary. Tell them if they're child want's to know how they found out there are a few ways to respond:
1) "We have our ways."
2) "The force is strong with us."
3) "How we found out is the least of your worries mister."

The list goes on with a multitude of different approaches and variations thereof.

I whole-heartedly dislike the over email approach for anything like this. That's like breaking off a relationship via IM/text/email. IMO it's a cowardly way to do things. Some level of personal contact (at the least by voice) should be used.

Keep in mind, I am not a counselor, therapist, or conflict mediator of any professional standing, so use my advice at your own discretion.

Re: Got a question...
 

I'd contact them, by phone preferably to add a personal sense to the situation. If you're worried about it getting back to you or reaching your children as far as confrontation goes, I'm sure asking them to keep it anonymous as to who 'tattled' wouldn't be crossing the line.

Re: Got a question...
 

I'm leaning toward the phone call. 'Course, sometimes it's easier to say than do.
We have seen a number of situations were things posted online become reality and people get shot and killed.
Could inappropriate sexual talk/text because action?
What's going to become "normal" text for the children who read this stuff?
I recommend the Matthew 18 (15-22) thing. It's a little different, but worth considering.
I would even consider having your son approach this boy directly first. I know he's only 9, but it may be good for him. Of course though, that's between you, your wife and son. I think it's good for him to know that you are seeing this stuff. You are the parent after all. It's the same as keeping up his grades and all the other parenting stuff.
Being a "non" parent, I can't speak into it too much.

Re: Got a question...
 

I said face to face, reason being, you can better communicate your thoughts and they can read your body language. Let them know you arent trying to tell them how to raise their kid, that you just thought they should know. You dont have to make a huge production. As for what the kids think...Im old fashioned....Im the adult they are kids and they do what I say and when. What *I* think matters the most :)

Re: Got a question...
 

<font color="plum">That's a difficult problem to deal with, <font color="lime">Bungleau</font>.

As a parent with boys in that same age range, the first thing I would do is tell my son the content on his friend's page is NOT appropriate. It is offensive, disrespectful and demeaning. It is also not acceptable content for anyone, much less someone their age.

I voted to tell the other parents by phone, but I'm admittedly "on the fence" between that and don't tell them at all. My first concern is going to be dealing with MY children. I might actually let them view the content, then explain exactly WHY such comments are not acceptable. Whether I would tell the other parents or not is kind of a toss up.

On one hand, I think they should be made aware of what their child is posting. So I think it would be ok to call the dad and say "My son came across some comments on your son's YouTube page that concerned me and I felt you should know about it." Make sure the parent understands you're not condemning their child (and their parenting by proxy), but rather, you are concerned about what the kid posted and just thought the parents should be aware of it.

You said yourself that you would want to know if YOUR son posted those kind of comments. Chances are, the parents of the other boy would feel the same way. They should be monitoring what he types anyway, but I think it is appropriate to give them a courtesy call to inform them and then let them decide what to do with the information.

A recent example I had with my own 12 yr old........

Last year, he took his Nintendo DS to school (which is against the rules of the school and his parents both). He left it unattended in the room and it got stolen. He had a good idea of who took it and the principal "looked into the matter", but the boy brought a different DS when questioned by the principal. A couple of weeks ago (almost a year after the stealing), his friend (that he suspected) admitted stealing his DS and returned the game that had been in the machine. When my son told me about this, I asked the obvious question, "It's great you got the game back, but WHERE is the DS that the boy stole?" The kid had supposedly stolen my son's DS to give to another friend. I told my son that his friend needed to return his DS. He came to me the next day and said "He gave it to this other kid. He said that he would return it to me IF the other kid agrees to give it back to him." I told my son, "Your friend doesn't have the option of "maybe" giving it back. You tell him that he needs to return your DS or give you the money for it (my son had bought the DS with his own money)." Then I told him "If your friend doesn't want to return your DS, tell him that I will be calling his parents and will tell them what happened and explain that THEY owe my son a DS or the money back." I didn't really want to call the parents, because it is going to be an awkward conversation at best. But I also didn't feel like it was fair to make my son force the issue either. Fortunately, just the threat of calling the parents worked and the other boy returned his DS (which he had NOT actually given away like he said) in just a few days.

It's really hard to deal with situations like this as a parent, but we have to show our children that it's necessary to take responsibility in certain situations and then show them how to do it.</font>

Re: Got a question...
 

Here is some advice for the youngsters: Some people have no problem finding entertainment and humor in what other people consider utterly tastless and offensive.

Lots of people who are not ashamed to laugh at the worst and dont care if you think we should be. I sure didn't when I were twelve and I sure don't now.

I didn't have the wonderful smut-cornacopia of the internet back then, but I had all the Faces of Death VHS tapes, Hustler magazines, and The World's Grossest Jokes books I could smuggle from various sources to my parent-proof woods hideout.

It's obviously very easy to keep tabs on youngsters these days. Telling the kid's parents would not only be butting nose into another person's sense of humor but another person's relationship with their parents as well. I say stick to your own Family affairs IMHO.

Re: Got a question...
 

<font color="plum">So if someone you know saw one of your kids doing or saying something they thought was inappropriate and they didn't think you knew about it, you just want them to mind their own business and not tell you what they saw?

All that is being suggested is that the parents of the child be informed about what their child has done. The decision about what to do with that information is being left to the parent.</font>

Re: Got a question...
 

This is what I would do take a screen shot print it off, place it in a envelope addressed to the parents of the kid. Sneak out late at night with cloak and hat. Deposit envelope in the mailbox. Parents get the message, no one knows the source, and you get to play a cool spy.

Re: Got a question...
 

Thanks, Chewie and everyone else. I'm interested in all points of view, especially the "Mind Your Own Business" and cloak-and-dagger positions. Although the way Youtube is structured, it'd be pretty difficult to get a single screen shot that was still readable...

Speaking of which, a couple more folks have suggested MYOB. If you wouldn't mind, I'm interested in why you say that. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to discuss it here. I'm not trying to make anyone bad or wrong, by any means. I'm looking for input to help me make up my mind.

I do suspect there's an element of using big words going on. We're also dealing with a 12-year-old, and while I remember (all too well!) what it was like to be 12, I don't intend to tell someone else what to do or not do with their children. I'm extremely liberal in that regard. My wife's the social worker; she can get involved if need be :heee:

My thought is to say, "Hey, I came across this. If my kids did it, I'd want to know. So I'm letting you know. That's it. I don't expect you to do anything, or need to know you did anything, or anything like that. Just a dad, letting another parent know what I saw. Ball's in your court, and I'm now playing a different game."

Or something like that, perhaps with one or two fewer cliched expressions ;)