HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
DRAFT SCOTTISH STANDARD GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER

GLASGOW REGION

Name........................................

Nickname..................................

Gangname.................................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?


EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name........................................

Rugby Club................................

Daddy's Company.......................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?


HIGHLANDS REGION

Name...............................

Glen.................................

Clan.................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a t0ss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his Wife and 10 kids?

3. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

4. Sorry, question 4 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

well screw you guys then! ;)

I guess most folk just wont get it. :D

While I'm here I'd just like to say [img]graemlins/finger.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/finger2.gif[/img] and [img]graemlins/flickoff.gif[/img] on behalf of all the Scottish members on the board...

Now, have a nice day! [img]graemlins/petard.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/1drunk.gif[/img]

the edinburgh one is a little inaccurate it but other than that they're all good
www.glasgowsurvival.com is a classic you might like for cheap laughs at the at the glasgae neds ;)

[ 12-05-2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Madman ]

Haha, of course! I had forgotten about glasgowsurvival. Am so tempted to head down to some of those streets and see if this guy really knows what hes talking about.

I've seen north/south england versions of this, my favourite being question 7 from the northen paper...

7. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled before he gets whacked?

They're all good, but this one is my favourite.
[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] Thanks Vask. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]