A few notes.
This piece would be much easier to read with a space between every paragraph.
Establish the setting more at the start of your story. They transport back into Suldanessellar, but where? The city's small, but still has several places of note. Me, I saw them in the dragon's grove, but since you never specify exactly where, I don't know for sure.
Speaking of Suldanessellar, check your spelling.
The NPCs' dialogue seems a bit off to me. You might want to download
Infinity Explorer, install, click the Dialog tab, and look for the following files: BMINSC, BAERIE, BKELDOR, BVALYGA, and BIMOEN. The NPCs have their own particular ways of speaking. Minsc tends to say simple words and often opens his mouth before carefully thinking about what he's about to say. Aerie stammers when nervous but gets sorta self-righteous when not. Keldorn is definitely noble, and his words seem more like commands or proclamations. Valygar rarely speaks, but when he does, he emotes little, and his dialogue is terse and honest. And Imoen is so much like a kid sister. Your dialogue is good, but I can't picture the characters saying the dialogue yet. Browse their dialogue in IE and get a feel for how those characters would speak their lines, then tackle your story again.
You switch your point-of-view every now and again. If the reader sees the story through Trethlere's eyes and is privy to his thoughts, then it's okay to have first-person pronouns like "I" and "me" in your story. However, the point-of-view is in third-person limited; it's like a movie camera's been pointed at Trethlere and the reader sees the story as it relates to Trethlere or on any other character that movie camera might focus. (You could cut to another scene and show, say, Demin helping Elhan clean up the city, and the scene would play out focused on Demin but the reader wouldn't know her thoughts, just her actions--i.e., what the camera could see.)
Writing in present tense is hard. Making it believable is difficult. I think you've done a good job making it work. [img]smile.gif[/img]
I want more of a reason for Trethelere to kill Aerie, or at least more of an indication that he wants to spare her his murderous wrath. (And if he wants to spare her his murderous wrath, why does he kill her? [img]tongue.gif[/img] ) You could explain this by starting the story earlier, and show the party forming, and their relationship, and how Trethelere's life forces him along the path of Murder, and how Aerie reacts to it, particularly during the transformation in Spellhold.
You've got a nice start here that will turn into a nifty piece with a few edits. Nice work.
