[Charean]

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and get me to subscribe. With caller ID this becomes a perfect opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on weekends"
"What?"
"You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but only for Saturday and Sunday"
"We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
"Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"I don't want a subscription"
(silence)
"What?"
"You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't want one."
(silence}
"uh... OK"
I hang up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
(silence)
"I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
(silence)
I hang up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department. How may I help you?"
(silence)
"Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."