More Random thoughts,& insights from old Fighter Pilots

[John D Harris]

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on
breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease
research. Consequently, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a
large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and
erections who can't remember what to do with them.

************************************

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a
noise outside his door. When he opened it, he
found a jackass standing outside, which immediately
fell over dead.

Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation,
he called the local Sheriff and told him about what
was laying before him.

The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister
and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the
Minister was to bury the dead."

Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first
duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin
so I called you."

*******************************

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, there was a beautiful young woman who was wearing a tight mini skirt and waiting for a bus. When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her to lift her leg up high enough to step onto the bus.
With a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again as unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

*******************************

NEW WORDS FOR 2002
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes alot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the s--- out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key. For Windows it's Ctrl, Alt, Delete simultaneously.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

[Deathcow]

lol, those were great

[Charean]

Good to see you again, John D!! Wondered where and how you were!!

Funny stuff, I love the new words... now to get them in my computer's dictionary... [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Some of those are sooooo apropos for my work environment...notably Prairie Dogging and Cube Farms.....Assmosis...heheh ...too funny [img]smile.gif[/img]

[RudeDawg]

ROTFLMAO!

I love the one about the mini-skirt lady and the Texan. Every time I hear it.