I can't believe some people!!!

[Animal]

Perhaps I missed it, but is Rachel and your other friends at work considered your subordinates?
If so, then as much as your going to hate me for saying this, I completely agree with your HR rep. It could be quite easily interpreted as favouritism on your part.
If that isn't the case and you are just co-workers then I personally see nothing wrong with socialling with them as long as your respective spouses don't. A couple of words of caution however, sexual harrasment. Be careful what you say and to who you say it. In 99% of all cases, and this is not be sexist, women hold the upper hand in hostile workplace cases.
As for taking it to the top, I don't know if I would do that. Often times, you end up making the situation worse and upsetting your immediate supervisor, which spells trouble and the end of your career.
Bottom line: If you are co-workers then just socialize away from the office, it's much safer for everyone involved. No corporation can dictate what you do on your private time, but I'd probably avoid the lunches and water cooler chats. If these people are under your direct supervision then socializing with them is not an option, business and pleasure don't mix.

[johnny]

I know you love your job Ben, but have you ever considdered leaving that place ? I'm sure with your background you'll have another job in no time. And like you said so yourself, this isn't the first time someone is trying to make your life miserable. Isn't a healthy atmosphere more important to you than a masquerade ? If i were you i'd give this a real good thought. Oh, about your friend... just talk to her, do as YOU please. I've never heard such a ridiculous rule, what is this ? Nazi Germany ? I'd like to see you get fired for a thing like that, it's not even legit.

[Xtrea]

Man that sucks you should still see her though.

[Jeffi0]

Originally posted by Djinn Raffo: Quit. If something sucks... ditch said something. You will get another job, everything will work out fine, and in the end you will be much better off and happier.

I think that the above is a very stupid idea, no offense to Djinn. The boss must have really strange ideas, but this isn't something to quit over. After all, quitting would completely ruin your friendship with Rachel. I suggest that you don't be as friendly to each other. I don't mean ignore each other, but say Hi or wave if you see each other during the day, but nothing more. You can always go out to dinner with both your families after work or something.

[Harkoliar]

personally, i think the HR is just jealous with your good relationships. dont let your friendship whither away because of that. i agree with some that just keep it a little discreet and outside of the company premises... you can do whatever you want. [img]smile.gif[/img] so keep cool and dont go beserk, i think that is what the HR wants you to do. for now i suggest a good phone call (house to house) to talk things over with your friend.

[Cerek the Barbaric]

So far, the best advice I've seen is Larry's. Since HR is the one that is "pressing the issue", hold another meeting with them and ask them to show you exactly what policy your are violating in the corporate handbook. I also agree it would be a good idea to have your wife accompany you (if possible) so that she can verify that she is aware of your "relationship" with Rachel and is perfectly comfortable with it. Rachel and her husband should do the same thing. Put the monkey on HR's back for a change...but do it "by the book".

I would not follow the advice of telling them to "Take this job and shove it". It's very easy to say stuff like that when you're talking about somebody else's job and livelihood.

And for those who think the company can't fire Ben for his "relationship"....you better think again. They already have "documented complaints" about his behavior with the women. They have another "documented complaint" about his performance from his work nemesis. That's two written warnings. The next time he "gets out of line" - they can send him out the door.

I agree that the situation is completely unfair, but you have to play the game by the company's rules. If HR can't show you a specific policy violation, you may want to tell them that you will have to pursue this incident with their superiors. It's "OK" to stand up for yourself, but do it in a respectful manner.

As for HR being "jealous" of you. I find that highly unlikely. They have to investigate any complaints they recieve, otherwise THEY will be accused of "favoritism". My guess is that it's your old nemesis who is jealous. Since his direct assault did not work, he has decided to try a more subtle approach and started spreading rumors and gossip about you and your relationship with these female coworkers.

Since you are the one being "accused", ask HR who filed the complaint. They may claim that is "confidential", but if it wasn't a subordinate, then I feel you have every right to ask who your accuser is.

BTW, I have been meaning to ask what happened with your "former situation". I assume your nemesis is still there and it sounds to me like he is still trying to find ways to get you fired. I've faced that situation many times, and I've outlasted every single person who tried to get rid of me.

What did I do? I simply came in and did my job and did NOT get in a "pissing contest" with them. I let my work ethic and conduct speak for me. When appropriate, I answered or challenged charges leveled against me, but I always did it in a respectful manner that followed the company's rules.

[LennonCook]

I agree with Cerek. Find out exactly what complaints have been made, and ask them to point to the specific line in your employment contract that you are breaching.
Once you know what you`ve supposedly done wrong, you can defend yourself better against it.

[Epona]

Good grief that is awful, and makes me feel grateful that I work for the Civil Service in England (I don't feel that way about my work often!)

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, the only way it may cause a problem is if you were having to write performance appraisals for your friend because in that case it wouldn't matter how objective you were, others may think you were being lenient on her because of your friendship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having male/female friendships, my best friend is male, what's more he's my ex, and he works for the same organisation as me. There is no restriction here on people being good friends, in fact it's encouraged as being good for 'team spirit'. When I first met my ex, we were both working in the same division, so to avoid any difficulties I went to HR, discretely told them of the situation and asked for a transfer to another division so that we weren't in the same working area - this caused no-one any trouble at all and HR were only too pleased to oblige, obviously partners working together is not an ideal situation even when they are both the same grade.

I really cannot fathom the attitude of your HR dept. Who the hell has the right to tell you what you do in your lunchbreak? As long as it's not illegal, I fail to see what business it is with them.

I agree with Larry and Cerek - I think it would be worth seeing HR again, both of you with spouses in tow if possible, and politely discuss the matter with them. Don't give them any ammunition though, whatever you do. Stay friends with Rachel, but outside office hours!

[The Trickster]

Thanks everyone once again for the responses. I've been really upset and angry about this little episode and I've had to try really hard not to say something stupid to the wrong person.

For those of you who asked, Rachel is not my subordinate, nor do I have any.

The fabulous news (finally some good news) is that Rachel rang me from her car after leaving work to tell me that she certainly wasn't going to let this effect our friendship. We're just going to have to keep it outside of the building, as sad as that seems.

So that's one thing that I don't need to worry about. Unfortunately, something inside me so desperately wants to show our HR people how wrong they all are. I even wrote a long email today that I was ready to send, but then I deleted it just before sending it. I think I'm just going to have to take it on the chin and move on. I really don't want to cause any more friction.

I just hate feeling like my job is on the line because of other people's lies and stupidity.

[Cerek the Barbaric]

Ben,

That's great news about Rachel. While it isn't fair that the two of you have to "keep your distance" at work, for now it is probably the best thing to do. Once this incident "dies down", you can slowly ease back into the relationship you had at work.

Secondly, I firmly believe you need to take the initiative with HR. You need to be the one going in with a complaint, rather than sitting around waiting and worrying if they're "watching you". From your description of the events, you have a legitimate complaint...and thier actions are creating undue stress which is affecting your job performance. I think you are well within your rights to make an appointment with HR (and maybe ask their supervisor to attend also) and state your grievances. Explain how it is adversely affecting your job to be "called in" and accused of things that your ARE NOT doing. Let them know that it is "very unsettling" for you to come in, do your job, yet still have to "look over your shoulder" because you feel every action you take is being overly scrutinized.

DO NOT ACCUSE YOUR NEMESIS BY NAME!!! But let them know that you are concerned that somebody seems to be making a habit of filing false complaints against you. Be professional and respectful. Do NOT be inflammatory. That will just work against you. Has HR had any reason to question your job performance before now? If not, point out your work history and consistently good evaluations. And tell them to watch and judge your performance for themselves, rather than taking somebody else's word for it.

You do have a good reason to be angry and you have every right to stand up for yourself. Just be cautious in how you approach it.

Good luck, my friend. I know all too well how frustrating it is to go into work everyday facing a hostile coworker. It is a very difficult thing to deal with, but it WILL eventually work itself out. When your nemesis sees that his schemes are unsuccessful, he will become more bold and blantant in his attempts. DO NOT RETALIATE!!! Just voice any concerns you have to HR and continue with your job in a professional manner. Give your buddy enough rope, and he will soon hang himself.

Keep us posted, though. I really would like to know how this all turns out.