Joke World 09-01-08

[Arvon]

PUN ALERT!!!!!!

The new emperor was a very gentle man who loved all wild animals. But when he allowed the animals to run loose all over the domain, the people became annoyed and overthrew the emperor.
That was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.

[Arvon]

A wise guy was refused entry into a nightclub because he was not wearing a tie.

He went back out to his car, got out a set of jumper cables and looped them around his neck. Then he went back to the door.

"Okay, you can come in," said the bouncer, " But don't start anything."

[Arvon]

Murphy's Top 10 Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

[Arvon]

A wife walked into the house and told her husband, "There's water in the carburetor."

"You don't know the difference between a carburetor and a generator." he huffed. Where's the car?"

"At the bottom of the lake."

[Bungleau]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. *

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' *

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ***************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .

************************************************** ***************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.

[Arvon]

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Arvon]

PG13


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

[Arvon]

Maybe potty training?

[VulcanRider]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him your tooth."

.

[Arvon]

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and dramamine, since the man gets terrible motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"