I have read 3 drizzt books and i am not impressed. may spoil

[Black Baron]

I decided to run a little project.


It is being called: The tales of the Munchkin and His friends. (Read-Drizzt and company). It may spoil, but since i will edit it to suit my needs you may simply not reconize the spoilers. However, be warned.

Spoils also for: Icewind dale 2 and Baldurs gate trilogy.


Chapter number one-Boot Camp for Heroes.

What a miserable life, thought Drizzt. I am stuck here in a cave, with little supply of wood, in the middle of winter. I have nothing to do, no ancient red dragons to kill, no orcs to slay, and the only creature that i see is a black bear that is worth at his prime 170 exp. I will be stuck at the pitiful fifth level for the near three monthes. Disgusting!
He thought in despair to kill the bear but then remembered that he is a ranger and by killing the bear he will denounce his status. He thought about dual classing to a mage and then killing the bear, but he remembered that he is a munchkin drow and not a normal choice of a human.
Suddenly then, he was enlightened. He turned to a human that sat in his comfortable leather chair near a computer. The human wrote something in his leptop, and drank beer.
-Robert, can you please switch it to spring?
The human ignored him.
-Rooobeeert, Can you please switch it to a spring? I am freezing here!
The author looked at him pitifully and answered: Can't. Otherwise you will be a munchkin character. Everything will be too easy for you. No, sorry, but you must suffer a little. I cannot live with my life knowing that i wrote munchkin manuals. Be patient. Think about something philosophical. It will give the book a little more depth. Say, three more pages?
-I will freeze on the second page, now switch it to spring!
-No.
-Look, i am already as munchkin as one may be on level 5. I have killed two barghest whelps, earth elemental with 24 hit dice, numerous goblins several gnolls and a hill giant. Solo character by now merely storms Torak's outpost! I already dual wield two scimitars +1, have a summoning stone with unkillable panther, and i have already acess to basic ranger spells.
-Ok, ok, you have convinced me. I need the money you know.
The author paused. Gmmm...where will i begin, he pondered. Aha!
He switched to the "soujorn.txt" and started to write: Then it happened- almost overnight, it seemed....
In the room vivaldi's 4 seasons were played.

************************************************** ************


Great, drizzt thought. Its hunting time! YAY! I need only 4000 more exp, then i will put another star in my scimitars slot. Where are the orcs?
-Just search the region. There are couple of hundreds there.
-Can't you just reassemble all the orcs into one little black dragon? A hatchling? killing the orcs will take weeks.
-I may, but then its hoard would be 20 gp poorer.
-20 gp? No way. Keep the orcs.
Meanwhile guided by the authors whim, an orc chieftain that took normally no chances at all, decided that 40 orcs can easily deal with a drow. If he had a will of his own, the abilty to read and the evil overlords handbook (scroll down the page to read it), he would have sent 400 orcs.

-I have sent against you 40 orcs and a stone giant.
Ok, i will deal with them.

Easily said hard done. Being a munchkin as it turns out, does not save you from critical hits.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!
shouted drizzt, i have only 20 hp left, do something!!!

Salvatore bit his nails. He had to write something fast. There were too many orcs, and he constantly threw 1 on the d20 for drizzt and 20 on the d4 for orcs.

I have reached a desision he said to drizzt. you will have to train in the munchkin way! With a teacher.
-Free?
-Yes. I will pump in you two more levels and raise your constitution a bit, and then you will be able to go into the free world, and bring some money for me.
-For how long?
-From page 146 untill page 230 probably.
-That is a quarter of the book!
-I know, but i am a bit short on ideas and dollars right now.
-fine, fine bring it on, then.

To be continued...

[ 07-12-2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Black Baron ]

[Sythe]

LOL that was great go on please!

[Lady Blue03]

<font color=pink>I didn't think the drow trilogy series were all that bad, but I didn't enjoy them enough to go out and by the newer ones (like Lone Drow ect)

I remember in Baldur's Gate 1 I used that CLUA command to summon Drizzt as an enemy. He tore through all six of my maxed out characters with ease, rofl, it was the funniest thing I got my revenge in BG2 though </font>

[uss]

Originally posted by Lady Blue03: <font color=pink> I remember in Baldur's Gate 1 I used that CLUA command to summon Drizzt as an enemy. He tore through all six of my maxed out characters with ease, rofl, it was the funniest thing I got my revenge in BG2 though </font>

I remember killing him *and* his buddies with a solo Fighter/Mage/Thief in BG1.


That battle was cheese all the way, though.

[Morgeruat]

to make the link clickable type -url=www.link.com-here-/url- substituting [] for -

[Black Baron]

Thanks Morgeurat.

The rest of the chapter will be published soon, stay in touch!

[Black Baron]

Weeeeelcooome to the Boot Camp For Heroes!!!

The voice from the loud speaker hurt Drizzt’s ears, but he ignored it. In order to gain 2 levels he could have walked the Sahara desert in a full plate mail and boots of the turtle crawl. The author also promised a constitution point or two. For that Drizzt could have gone to the Wild West with the sign: I am a son of a Multi Billionaire.

The first days of the training were rather dull. Drizzt had to memorize the whole handbook for munchkins, especially the following chapters:
1. Companions-Sharing experience is all and well, provided that they share and you keep.
2. The greatest Hoards location-The Demilich Chambers, The Dragons’ Kingdom, Asmodeuses Treasury and Much more!!
3. How to kill avatars.
4. 56 ways to get into Elminster’s tower (and 4 ways to loot it) and not get caught!
5. How to convince Elminster to give all his stuff to you if he does catch you. Note: only to characters with more then 2 charisma, and arcane casters. If you are non mage or managed to roll 1 charisma, look chapters 3, 11, 12, 6, 7 for help.
6. Self resurrection.
7. Fast levelling up-Kill some famous adventurer! 78 useful tips.
8. Its Hammer Time! How to get Crom Fayer while being only level 1 fighter.
9. How to domesticate a Tarrasque.
10. Smuggling Abraham Tanks into your Campaign Of Conquest.
11. Ak-47, when the situation looks really bad…
12. Your best friend is Ao.

Drizzt was, as it turned out a slow learner in some areas. He quickly memorized chapter 1,2 and being a ranger also 9. He encountered no special problems with chapter 6, chapters 10 and 11 however, were his bane. He could not get the idea that even if there are no such things as fuel, petrol, gunpowder, AI, he could convince the dm to substitute them with magic. Drizzt barely managed to get the concept of the eleventh chapter and passed on the theory tests, but he constantly shot his leg while disarming the gun or put his cheek on the gun while firing. Finally the sergeant decided that Drizzt could do well enough without the problematic technology items. The raise of constitution was even simpler, due to several “manuals”.

Finally the blessed day of graduation has arrived. Drizzt graduated with several people such as Elminster’s Daughter, Merlin and Silvester the Cat.

With the graduation ceremony the appropriate test should have be given. In that year, it was fairly simple: Killing 600 orcs, several dozens of wargs and one winter wolf in one glorious battle. Special envoy by the name of McGristle was sent to the orc chief.

To be continued

[Timber Loftis]

Good on ya to decide the Drizzt novels are not up to par. They aren't, and they have been getting worse as time goes on. For me, they are good light & easy reading. I like the all-too-venerable characters, but if I nit-pick the books, they fall apart quickly. RA Salvatore is a better module background writer than a fiction/novel writer, and that's that.

[Assassin]

I agree that the Drizzt books don't stand up to a microscope, but if I ever want to read something without thinking much, they aren't half bad.

[Memnoch]

Black Baron, books like GRRM's ASOIAF, the Memory, Sorrow, Thorn series by Tad Williams, and Arthur Conan Doyle's are a bit different to FR books. These other books take years to be written (look how long it's taken GRRM to write the ASOIAF series and he's not even half-finished yet). I agree that characterisation and plot development are far more comprehensive in the other novels, but Salvatore (and Cunningham and the other FR novels) are writing for a specific audience and often have their creative talents restricted by the mechanics of the D&D world. As far as FR authors go Salvatore is close to one of the best (though I agree his latest efforts have been fairly average). You want an example of bad, read something that Ed Greenwood wrote.

Anyway, my 2c.

EDIT: PS. I enjoyed your parody though.

[ 07-25-2004, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: Memnoch ]