Joke World 3-1-09

[Melirune]

Email Anonymous

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

You start tilting your head sideways to smile

[Bungleau]

An elephant asked a camel, 'Why are your boobs on your back?'

'Well,' says the camel, 'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.'

[Bungleau]

A variety of humorous pictures of the military... some undoubtedly funnier than others.

http://www.tom-phillips.info/images/funny.military.htm

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Those are funny. The soldier on the sofa was pretty cool!

Sadly, we just lost 3 more soldiers to road-side bombs. This has been the highest cause of death and injury for our troops.

Still, it's very good to see they are able to clown around and have some fun.

[Arvon]

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer “I have a proposition for you…”

“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”

[Melirune]

Legal Laughs

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

[Arvon]

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.
He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat."

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, "Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."

The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"

Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos."

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then.pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"

[Bungleau]

Found on Failblog. Pretty cool...

[VulcanRider]

10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Beard